Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Many Emotions of An Author

Creativity is a strange thing. A blessing, a curse, a form of insanity... It's a fascinating truth that many creative people are at best odd, and at worst just plain nuts. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why that is, since a good portion of my life before I found my niche was passed thinking I was cuckoo bananas. After all, normal people don't spend hours, days, weeks, living entirely in their heads, do they? Normal people don't find the stories they create in their minds more interesting than real life. And normal people certainly don't talk to themselves in order to work out bits of dialog amongst their characters. Hell, do normal people even think up characters?

Since I'm not a normal person, I couldn't tell you.

You've heard me talk about "suckitis" before, that crushing fear of failure that often comes following the completion or release of a new book. You'd think I'd feel accomplished, proud, happy. I do - for a while. Then the apprehension sets in.

Case in point: Leading Her to Heaven is now available in print. It's the first book of mine to get to print. When my copies arrived on friday, I went through a range of emotions and activities. I cried. I giggled like a maniac. I sniffed the inside. I flipped through the pages. All expected.

Then the weirdness set in. Looking at my book now, I feel...weird. It's been available in ebook format for over a year now, and has been well received. But the suckitis has hit yet again, and I didn't anticipate it this time.

Another thing I didn't see coming: I'm actually a bit embarrassed by the sex scenes. My gravy, I used the word "cock" a lot in this book. For some reason, it's different to see it in print than on the screen.

Overall, I'm exceedingly happy to finally be in print - there's a sense of accomplishment and vindication - but right now, I just feel...weird.

My publisher has given me a deadline (at my request) of May for Reckless Liaisons. I'm hoping that being under the gun will help me get my ass in gear so that I can begin writing again, and stop thinking about the weirdness.

KJ

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